VJournal #6 20-5-2012 (Indies Unlimited, the comedy book, and a very, very cheap gag)
May 20th, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
Link to “Meet the author” feature on Indies Unlimited here.
Posted in 
Part 2 of my Indies Unlimited guest post and some equipment failure
May 13th, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
So just for a change, here is a text post instead of this week’s vlog, which I’ve had to postpone due to unforeseen equipment failure (said the vicar to the nun). The second part of my guest post at Indies Unlimited was published this evening, take a look here and do leave a comment if you’ve a mind, even if it’s only to say, “Great post Chris!!!” (Because then the people at IU will mistakenly think I’m really, really popular!)
In other news this week, with luck I’m only a few weeks off of publishing my next book, and it’s NOT going to be Cascade Annihilator. It’s going to be comedy, not science fiction; it’s going to have lots of pictures of cute, adorable little puppies; and it’s going to be a success! I know it’s going to be a success because Kelley Lane and @Poseurs_DC told me it’s going to be a success. So when it isn’t a success, ladies, your names are going to be mud in my house. 
Truth be told, my aim since 2010 has been to publish one book a year. Obviously this year I’d planned to write and publish Cascade Annihilator, but I’ve fallen so far behind schedule that I’ll be lucky to get the first draft of that novel done by the end of this year, which means publication next spring at the earliest. In the meantime, while I must credit Kelley and Poseurs for suggesting the idea, it seems possible that a comedy puppies book is workable. My problems with it at the moment are technical: I’m building the book using Lulu’s Photobook creator tool which, while certainly good enough for a family album, etc, may appear too amateurish for a professional product. I’m pushing on with that for now, but if I can’t get it technically as good as it needs to be, then obviously I won’t publish it.
Guest post this week (and next) on Indies Unlimited
May 7th, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
Those lovely people at Indies Unlimited, a popular site for both writers and bookworms, have been kind enough to let me give their readers my take on writing.
Take a look here.
VJournal #5 29-4-2012 (trip to Prague and another hole in the head)
April 29th, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
A versatile blogger? Me? Nah…
January 22nd, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
Something new to be filed under “Strange but true” is that the lovely Jo-Anne Teal and the even-lovelier KD Rush have both nominated me for a “Versatile Blogger” award. Thank you guys!
The rules of this harmless bit of fun are: to thank those that nominated you; to copy-and-paste the award logo in your own blog; to tell your readers seven random facts about you; and to nominate a further 15 blogs that you follow, and let them know. Right, here goes:
Seven random things about me:
1. Some years ago I had an operation to remove a prolapsed disc from my spine. Afterwards the doctor told me that I mustn’t lift more than 5kg, which I thought was ridiculous because, to begin with, the top half of my body weighed 50kg all on its own. And they say these doctors are clever, eh? Duh…
2. For two years, The Dimension Researcher was represented by an agent at The Ed Victor literary agency. She may not have been able to sell it, but what she taught me while preparing the book was invaluable, and I’ll always be indebted to her.
3. I’ve peed in Adolf Hitler’s kitchen.
4. I’m 6′ 4″ (1.94m) tall, AND I’m left-handed. This means that not only must I live in a world designed by, built for, and full of, pygmies; but that most of said pygmies do everything with the wrong hand.
5. My pet hate is the “Body-Mass Index” which is a silly bit of psudo-science that’s supposed to tell you if you’re overweight, but which method in fact takes no account of normal people like me and the inordinate amount of bone we have to lug about with us. I’ve calculated that for me to be “normal” weight, I would have to lose all of my body fat plus about 20% of my muscle, too. There is a very easy way to know if one is obese: put simply, if one cannot wipe oneself after defecating, then one is too fat. The BMI is just lazy science designed to make skinny, weedy pygmies feel good about themselves.
6. On our way home from a vacation in May 1980, my dad told me to remember the number “132″ because he would ask me to remind him later. I’m not sure what he meant by “later” so, dad, if you read this, can you let me know? My next novel is pretty complicated and I could do with freeing up those fifty-or-so neurons that are retaining this little factoid - thanks!
7. The three happiest moments of my life have been when I cut the umbilical cords at the births of my three children. If I had my way, it would be the law that every father must cut the cord at the birth of his child. The punishment for failing to do so would be to have to feed, bathe and clothe the baby for one year without ANY help from the mother.
And now for 15 blogs that are very, very good:
1. Josh Vogt: a writer I respect immensely that not only knows how to use the English language, but who also has the talent to produce original and highly entertaining stories, time after time.
2. Kit Whitfield: a writer of two mainstream-published novels, her blog is one of the best written I’ve come across, and her page, The Other Side, offers stacks of useful-yet-amusing advice for beginning writers.
3. Kelly Lane: another blogger who knows English and how to use it, very well.
4. Jeanne Andrew: a delightful Scottish blogger with a sense of humour that can kill at 50 paces. Really.
5. Elaine Ash: California crime-based writer and editor; reliably good posts, every time.
6. Paul D. Brazil: For all your hard-boiled noir needs, my fellow Poland-based ex-pat Paul is your man.
7. Lexi Revellian: a successful Indie writer who always tells it like it is.
8. LimebirdKate: all of the Limebirdwriters are worth keeping up with, but by a nose I think LimebirdKate puts up the most interesting articles.
9. Cari: a young writer who should be an inspiration to all of us who value our health.
10. Bridget Strubb: a blogger who uses photos to make your day pass with a smile.
11. Jude Wharton: a lovely blog about the joys of parenting – a must-read if you have little ones!
12. Gary Henry: a writer who also reviews Indie books and does so honestly. Refreshingly insightful.
13. Maureen Hovermale: hilarious blogger with a laugh-out-loud turn of phrase.
14. S. M. Boyce: a hard-working writer and editor with impressive drive.
15. Quirina Roode-Gutzmer: warm and evocotive prose, ideal for calming down after a manic day.
Finally, apologies if we know each other and you’re not on the list above. Fifteen wasn’t a lot.
A giveaway, a prediction and a new short story called “Just Another Final Solution”
January 1st, 2012 | Author: chrisjames
Happy New Year everyone, and I hope your aspirations for 2012 have survived its arrival intact.
First things first: this month S.M. Boyce is doing a terrific January giveaway, with a different paperback novel available every day of the month. That’s 31 original and exciting novels which are yours for the taking (well, almost). For the full list of novels and how to enter, see this link. A copy of The Dimension Researcher becomes available on 7 January and you’ll have seven days in which to win it. Then I’ll personally dedicate and snail-mail post it to the winner. S.M. Boyce has put a lot of work in to this excellent idea, and gets a hearty, albeit virtual, pat on the back.
In the meantime, here to start 2012 off is a new short story. Usually it’s a rule of mine never to predict anything on a date on which I might still be around when I’m proved wrong. In both of my novels, with one exception, all of the predictions are set so far in the future that I should be pushing up daisies by then. This is of course vitally important to avoid the crushing embarrassment when what you forecast in your fiction doesn’t come to pass. Then I won’t be around to care that I’ve made myself look a complete arse. But with this story I make an exception, because I really hope I am completely wrong. So if you have a few minutes, I invite you to grab a cup of your preferred beverage and a snack, and settle down as we go to the White House for:
Just Another Final Solution
Robert Stevens strode into the Oval Office knowing that he had to conclude the issue in the next five minutes, if possible without resorting to the final solution. Barack Obama turned from window and walked around the large oak desk to greet his friend, who ensured his expression would have the desired effect on the forty-fourth US President.
Obama offered his hand, “Hey Bob, you don’t look like you’re having the best New Year’s.”
Robert grasped it and shook, “No, Mr President, we need to talk about Iran, and it’s gettin kinda urgent.”
“Take a seat, Bob.” With a frown Obama indicated the chair in front of his desk and went to sit in his own chair on the opposite side. Obama sat and put his elbows on the desk, “In case you’ve forgotten, Bob, I’ve got an election in November, so unless you came here to tell me something new…”
Stevens opened the brown file he carried, “Mr President, I and the people I represent want to stress to you again that the best chance you have for re-election is to kick-start the economy-”
“No shit.”
Stevens cleared his throat and hung on to his temper, “And the best and quickest way to do that is to attack Iran, preferably in March.”
“And how do you figure that? You and your people know that there’s no way we’re getting involved in another open-ended war. I made that clear at the last meeting.”
“It doesn’t have to be open-ended, sir, not this time.”
Obama raised his eyebrows to signal disbelief. Stevens continued: “I’ve got the new attack plan here from the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”
“You got that from Martin?”
Stevens gave Obama a sheepish glance, “Ah, yeah, me and him were at Harvard together. Anyways, we’d only need a few divisions and a couple of months to dismember the country and secure the oilfields, and then we nuke Tehran-”
“What?” Obama shouted, “Are you out of your goddam minds? We nuke Tehran? None of you guys mentioned that last week, cos I think I would’ve noticed.”
Stevens forced himself to remember that he was dealing with a politician, not a pragmatist, “With respect, Mr President, we don’t nuke Tehran, we get the Israelis to do that; and we don’t nuke Tehran itself, we nuke the facility where the Iranians are trying to build their own nukes, about a hundred Ks southwest of the city.”
“But that facility’s inside a mountain; the size of the bomb we’d have to use would irradiate half the country.”
“Which is kinda the whole point, sir. For the next ten generations millions of Iranians will be too busy dealing with birth deformities and leukaemia to get any dumb ideas about regional domination.”
There came a pause between the two men, then Stevens winked, “Look at Chernobyl, nothing like a nice dose of radiation to keep the population stupid. Besides, cleaning up that sort of mess is what we’ve got the UN for.”
Obama shook his head, “I’m not convinced, Bob. Just how, exactly, is attacking and nuking Iran going to kick-start the economy here and help my re-election?”
Stevens struggled to keep the incredulity from his face, “One: a strong, decisive president during wartime always gets re-elected. Two: the military build-up will keep lots of American workers in jobs and create more jobs, maybe even in depressed areas. Three: Wall Street will feel better. Once the stock prices of my company and those companies of the people I represent start to climb again, this will bring back the feel-good factor in stocks. Iran is gonna get us out of this depression with a lot less crap than Hitler got us out of the last one. It’s a slam-dunk.”
The President sat back and stared at Stevens, “But nuking the place? I mean, actually using a nuke? That’s gonna play very badly abroad.”
Stevens shrugged, “So we use our London office.”
Obama leaned forward and stabbed two buttons on the communications panel in the desk. A tone sounded then an effeminate Englishman’s voice came through the speaker, “Hello, Mr President, how delightful you should call-”
“Yeah, whatever,” said Obama, “Listen, David. We’re going into Iran in a couple of months and you’ve gotta give international legitimacy to the attack, got that?”
“Er… Yes, well, you know, of course, if you’re sure. But I told you my thoughts on Iran. Frankly speaking, if my country were that close to Israel, I rather think I’d want nuclear weapons to defend myself.”
“Quit bitching. You only have to back me up the same way Blair supported Dubya ten years ago, okay? Especially at the end when the Iranians force Israel to nuke them.”
The voice from the speaker stuttered, “You’ll use nuclear weapons? But… I’m not sure Her Majesty’s Government would be able t-”
“Just do what I ask, David, or when we extradite Gary McKinnon, I’ll make sure he gets tried in Texas, where they might just decide to give him a lethal injection, got that?”
“Oh, ha, ha, Mr President. What a good joke! Frightfully amusing-”
Obama pressed the button on the panel to terminate the connection, then looked at Stevens, “Okay, so let’s say we do it your way. Won’t using a nuke make everyone just a little more worried than reassured?”
“And that’s where the plan really comes together,” Stevens enthused, relieved that Obama seemed finally to have started thinking.
“How?”
“It’s 2012. The end of the Mayan Long-Count Calendar, and a lot of folks are thinking that the world might just end this year.”
“But that’s a scam. The Mayans had another calendar to follow it.”
“Yeah, but your average Joe ain’t got the attention span to find that out.”
“So when we let Israel nuke Tehran, everyone will think that the shit really is hitting the fan big time and start spending like there’s no tomorrow?”
Stevens nodded, “Uh-huh. Except for the Christian Fundamentalists, of course. They’ll want to be all nice and clean for the Rapture, so they’ll pay off their debts.”
Obama looked thoughtful and scratched his chin, “Yeah, makes sense… The build-up and ground war get your stocks going up, we have to make more weapons, we make a fortune speculating on the price of oil, we create regional governments to secure the oilfields, then we let the Iranians drop a couple of Scuds on Tel Aviv to give Israel the pretext to nuke their facility – not that they need one, huh?”
“No sir, they do not,” both men shared a smile, “And anyone who accuses the Israelis of overreacting gets branded an anti-Semite, same as always, and you, Mr President, get all the support you need from Fox News. You’ll look like a President who knows how to take on the Muslims and win!”
Obama smiled and shrugged, “Yeah, I guess I gotta be more Republican than the Republicans.”
Stevens closed the file and stood, “Best approach if you feel like another four years here, Mr President.”
Stevens turned to go, pleased that he hadn’t needed the final solution after all, but Obama stopped him, “Ah, say, Bob. That other thing we talked about last time? That’s all okay now, isn’t it?”
“Why of course, Mr President. Now you’ve agreed to the plan, I and the people I represent guarantee to provide you with two hundred million in campaign funds, with no single donation to exceed five hundred thou, each coming from a different source, just as you asked. Hell, you might even be able to get your health reforms through in your second term. Happy New Year, sir.”
A few related links:
Gary McKinnon – An asperger’s sufferer who the US government wants to chuck in one of its jails for 70 years for having the temerity to show the US military that the security of its IT software was, in fact, a bit crap.
“…about a hundred Ks southwest of the city.” – This link is to the current location of Iran’s nuclear facilities. The base to which Stevens refers is at Qom.
“The end of the Mayan Long-Count Calendar…” – Yes, well, we all like to believe that we live in the most exciting times; the truth is nearly always a little more mundane.